I scream for Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler is probably the funniest person on TV right now. She's a rare breed -- a comedian who is also drop dead gorgeous. If you haven't seen an episode of "Chelsea Lately", you're missing out on a lot. That show is hilarious! You may want to turn a deaf ear on all the politically incorrect jokes though. They make fun of midgets, blacks, gays, Miley Cirus, and the Jonas Brothers. And courtesy of the Chelsea Lately lexicon, I learned new words that definitely increased my somewhat limited vocabulary -- words such as "shadoobie" and "koslapuss."

In her first collection of essays, My Horizontal Life, Chelsea chronicles all her funny one-night stands in her 20s, which are bound to make the most prudish of readers have a heart attack. Whether or not all these stories are true, the essays make for a very entertaining read. Also, I can vouch that she did write these entries. If you've heard her talk on her show, that's the way the book was written -- in your face, self-deprecating, judgmental, and unpretentious. When her father asks her if she were a lesbian, she replies: "No, Dad. I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time."

My Horizontal Life can either make you cringe or induce a BOSMKL ("bending over smacking my knee laughing") fit. She recounts how she had a phase wherein she dated only black guys because of their large penises. She imagines being in The Bachelorette and she eliminates all the bachelors based on penis size and then eventually giving the final rose to a Tyrone, Leroy, or Jamal. One time while applying for a loan in a bank, she sees a poster with a man and wonders how she knows him. Then it hits her that it's that guy with the small penis (a thing so small that you might just mistake it for a piece of skin).

I can't help but think if Chelsea ever contracted STD. If you're a young and beautiful blonde who's into Ecstasy and several shots of vodka in a party, there's definitely going to be consequences "down there." While high on E at a party in Mexico, she invites a midget to her hotel room and then passes out. When she wakes up in the morning and sees those little midget feet in the toilet, she wonders if she had a baby during the night.

If you've seen "Chelsea Lately", you're familiar with all those racist jokes they casually at each other during round table discussion. Now I know where Chelsea gets her inspiration for all those jokes about Asians, blacks, Jews, and Latin Americans -- from her father. In My Horizontal Life, her father is a constant presence. Mr. Handler thinks that he's not racist and says that he has no issues talking to and dealing with blacks. When he spots the only black couple in a crowded bar, he walks up to them and asks whether they would be interested in cleaning his house. When he sees Chelsea's black date drive away from their house, he immediately thinks of calling the police to report a stolen car.

My Horizontal Life is one of the funniest books I've read this year. Although I'm not recommending it to people who have no sense of irony. Her second book, Hello Vodka, It's Me Chelsea, is reportedly even funnier.

Read this book if:

1. You love Chelsea and her nugget Chuy.
2. You ever had a nasty one-night stand.
3. You're not getting any.