10 things to expect when reading Stephen King

1. There's gonna be weird sex. Consensual and otherwise. Of all shapes and sizes. And it'll all be in your face.
2. It's all about the character. A lot of people say that it's the plot. Yes, the plot is good, but King's characters are the ones that have you keep on turning the page.
3. Suspend your disbelief, starting at page 1. Possessed automobiles and laundry machines running down the street? Check. 
4. A good number of King's greatest protagonists are teachers and writers, two groups of people I can totally relate to. And also drunks.
5. His vampires give off the foulest stench. No sparkly vampires with impeccable fashion sense. King's vampires are, appropriately, bad asses.
6. It's impossible to read just one page. 
7. You'll be disappointed with most of the TV and movie adaptations. Kubrick's "The Shining" is quite good though, but it somehow deviates from most of the story lines in the novel. 
8. You'll get bigger biceps after finishing the novel. The Stand, Under the Dome, It, Tommyknockers, and 11/22/63 are at least 800 pages each. Try fitting all these novels in your bag.
9. Crazy, totally fucked-up endings. And monsters who are complete assholes. And indiscriminate violence.
10. Basically, a good old time. 

10 reasons I read them Russians

1. The weight of these novels exercise my flabby arms. 
2. Because I just can't be happy all the time. Happiness is boring. I need suicide, poverty, desperation, frustration, and hopelessness.
3. Because no one has awkward sex in Russian novels. Actually, no one has sex. Period.
4. Like these Russian writers, sometimes I have way, way, way, way, way too much time on my hands. 500 pages? That's just a novella.
5. I like them big and fat. Just like cheeseburgers.
6. My tongue could also use some exercise by saying those polysyllabic names. Rodion Romanovitch Raskolnikov! 
7. I am undaunted by the constant switching of names and nicknames. Katerina is Katya is Kitty is Kitsy Bitsy or whatever.
8. I am still unclear why all descriptions of handsome Russian men involve beards and reddish cheeks.
9. The cold! The snow! Siberia! Frostbite! They must be farting snowflakes.
10. The letters Z and V don't appear enough in American novels. And vodka. And gambling.

10 things that happen when you go on a sci-fi reading spree

1. You fart, and you smell methane.
2. You feel disappointed that your father ain't Darth Vader.
3. Your fashion sense has now become rather minimalist. Or with lots of sleek leather. Or white. Or spandex. And you wear dark sunglasses, even in the theater.
4. You know that you're not "the one." Well, at least not in this reality. But perhaps in another parallel universe? 
5. You imagine having clones of yourself. The clones do all the dirty work (e.g., boring office stuff, boring family get-togethers, boring dinners with friends), while the real you is on the beach, working your tan. 
6. A ride on the bus feels a total pain. You know that teleportation is way, way cooler.
7. All your T-shirts have sci-fi references, which some people don't get.
8. Red Bull is your water. Energy bars are your food.
9. Asimov, Bradbury, and Clarke (the ABC of sci-fi) are your gods.
10. You trust no one.

10 things that result from reading Shakespeare

With my books during the discussion of
'A Midsummer Night's Dream'
(Photo courtesy of R)

1. You feel the urge to speak in an English accent.
2. You become fond of rhymes. I like sour limes. I collect shiny dimes. I fart a hundred times.
3. You're afraid that your partner would flake out on you on your suicide pact and you'll just die alone.
4. You check yourself in the mirror often, just in case you turn into an ass.
5. You think you and your partner are star-crossed lovers. Even though you know that he or she sleeps around, pushes you down the stairs, puts pepper on your coffee, spreads vile rumors about how small your "assets" are, and just basically throws up whenever you're near. But yes, you're star-crossed; you've no doubts about it.
6. You head to the beauty salon to get a perm.
7. You suddenly want to cross-dress. Men in tights? That's so you.
8. You think that the circus needs a 'shrew tamer'.
9. You imagine Anne Hathaway, Shakespeare's wife, must have looked like Anne Hathaway.
10. You now know that Hamlet doesn't come from a baby pig.

10 things I learned from blogging after 499 posts

So this is my 500th post. After almost 4 years, that comes to just 125 posts per year, 10 posts per month, 2 posts per week. Oy, numbers. Boring stuff. Moving on...

What have I learned, dear readers, after blogging on and off for the past 4 years? Well, I've made a list.

1. Readers like them lists. Posts with lists get a lot of traffic. Should I number my paragraphs then?
2. More comments don't mean there aren't any readers. In fact, the most popular post, which got 2,355 page views, just has 2 comments. 
3. Include photos of handsome men in a post and, presto, you get huge traffic.
4. Blog gets the fewest number of readers on Saturdays and Sundays; it gets the most on Mondays. I guess people still have a weekend hangover and would just like to surf the net mindlessly on Mondays.
5. It feels weird to make "serious" posts. Talk about awkward.
6. Adverbs are good. But I realized I use them carelessly and frequently in my posts. Must closely read and carefully proofread. Ack! I did it again!
7. Popular posts get a lot of spam. Unfortunately, the only spam that I like is the one that comes in a can. And fried to a crisp. Mmmmm...
8. I've never changed my blog banner. Facelifts, even virtual ones, scare me.
9. The older the blog gets, the bigger the text font becomes. Blame my eyesight.
10. This blog has become me. One time, I was in a bookstore and one person approached me and asked, "You're KyusiReader, aren't you?" I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

10 things I learned from attending book discussions

The bargain bin at the book fair
Very, very popular destination among bibliophiles,
especially the people from the book club

1. From the Howl's Moving Castle discussion: All Diana Wynne Jones fans are also J. K. Rowling fans, but not the other way around.
2. From the A Good Year discussion: The key words for a large member turnout are "wine" and "food." To hell with the book discussion.
3. From The Woman in Black discussion: Because there's the word "black" in the title, people will come in black. (Everyone wore black actually. Me? I came in pink.)
4. From The House of Mirth discussion: Some want to be Lily Bart; others want to wring her neck. Never has a character divided the members.
5. From the "Taming of the Shrew" discussion: To understand the play fully, it helps if you read Shakespeare's works aloud. More so if you employ a British accent.
6. From The Game of Thrones discussion: Okay, book 1 has been around for more than 10 years, you know. It does have a small following since it's well written, but it's nowhere near as well known as, say, The Lord of the Rings. Far from it actually. To make it more popular, turn it into an HBO mini series! These days, everyone's a Stark, a Lannister, or what-have-you. Gandalf—who is that?
7. From The Ready Player One discussion: Who knew that the '80s would be awesome in a geeky sort of way? All I remember are women with big shoulder pads and big hair, the styling of which has brought about global warming.
8. From the Fifty Shades trilogy discussion: The books are so bad that they're actually good.
9. From the A Short History of Nearly Everything discussion: People forget stuff they learned in grade school. Or, they just weren't paying attention in science class. Science is so cool, everyone!
10. From all the discussions that I attended: If you say 3 pm, people come at 4. It's a mystery.

10 things I learned after reading The Count of Monte Cristo

Alexandre Dumas! Capital!

So I finished Dumas's The Count of Monte Cristo yesterday. Yes, the unabridged. Yes, all 1,100 pages of it. Yes, I die of melodrama.

While I did enjoy it and found it to be a remarkable work of fiction, I just can't help but think of some things.

1. The French are not known for brevity. 1,100 pages! Really?
2. It takes money, lots and lots of money (and gold coins, diamonds, and even slaves), to exact revenge.
3. The French didn't say, "Awesome!" or "Great!" Instead, they blurt out, "Capital!"
4. Good news if you find yourself in prison: Your cellmate just might be the raving lunatic who could make you rich.
5. It's not enough that the novel focus on an adventure. There has to be a love story, and several women fainting for the slightest reasons.
6. Only the rich can pull off a code name such as Sinbad the Sailor.
7. If you find yourself forgetting a particular story line, don't fret—Dumas would provide a very detailed back story for your apparent short-term memory loss. 1,100 pages! Really?
8. Only the rich can pull off a first name such as Valentine.
9. If you want to read this, go for the unabridged. The dialogue is just capital!
10. 1,100 pages in 117 chapters. That's about 9.40 pages per chapter. You can easily read 1 chapter while in the restroom, and possibly 2 or 3 if you're constipated.