10 reasons I read them Russians

1. The weight of these novels exercise my flabby arms. 
2. Because I just can't be happy all the time. Happiness is boring. I need suicide, poverty, desperation, frustration, and hopelessness.
3. Because no one has awkward sex in Russian novels. Actually, no one has sex. Period.
4. Like these Russian writers, sometimes I have way, way, way, way, way too much time on my hands. 500 pages? That's just a novella.
5. I like them big and fat. Just like cheeseburgers.
6. My tongue could also use some exercise by saying those polysyllabic names. Rodion Romanovitch Raskolnikov! 
7. I am undaunted by the constant switching of names and nicknames. Katerina is Katya is Kitty is Kitsy Bitsy or whatever.
8. I am still unclear why all descriptions of handsome Russian men involve beards and reddish cheeks.
9. The cold! The snow! Siberia! Frostbite! They must be farting snowflakes.
10. The letters Z and V don't appear enough in American novels. And vodka. And gambling.