Why you should never, ever join a book club

Warning: This post contains some pictures taken a few years ago. So be prepared to see more than a few pics of a chubby KyusiReader. You've been warned.

The books that we talked about for the past 4 years
The big picture on the left is this year's selections.
The three smaller pictures on the right are from 2012 (top) to 2014 (bottom).

I do wish that I could go back to 2008 and never have attended my first meet-up with the book club Flips Flipping Pages. Now that was the biggest mistake of my life, I tell you. And that book club has the absolute worst kind of people that you could possibly meet.

First, they'll make you wear silly hats and come in crazy costumes. I have no idea how hats, capes, masks, etc. are relevant to book discussions. Whoever thought that this was a good idea is an a--hole. Why oh why would you subject yourself to such trivial pursuits?

During our Noli Me Tangere-themed Christmas party
How shallow can these people get?
Stupid parties . . .

During the A Game of Thrones discussion
Just because I love AGoT doesn't mean that I have to come in costume!
Oh, the humanity!

During The Godfather-themed Christmas party
It's bad enough that I have to wear a silly hat;
they make R wear one too!

During the discussion on Howl's Moving Castle
If you don't see the connection between my hat and the book, don't worry.
I don't see it either.

During the steampunk-and-Poe themed party
R was forced to make our costumes for the party.
And, true story, I really am drunk in this picture.

Second, they make you meet authors whose books you have no strong feelings on. Now let me tell you, these authors wouldn't want to meet their readers anyway. If they have good social skills, they wouldn't be writers, spending all day in front of the computer.

There were quite a few occasions when I had to endure the pain of meeting these uninteresting personalities. So boring, these meet-and-greet instances are. I'd much rather chew razor blades than meet another author.

Meet-up with Gilda Cordero-Fernando
Oy lady! We know that you're 83 years old.
You don't have to shove all your youthful vigor and zest for life in our tired faces.

Attending Bebang Siy's wedding
There's food, dancing, musical performances, and a short film. Yawn, yawn.
And it was even a book-ish wedding with books as decor. How uninspired.

Third, and what do we get to read? Well, such unintelligible drivel such as books published in the 19th century, books with controversial themes, and novels that defy genre conventions. Now why on Earth would you read those?

What we usually read are so inexplicable that they can't even hold a candle to the bestselling Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by E. L. James. Wouldn't it be nicer to read novels with a straightforward story and cookie cutter characters? We're not literature students, for crying out loud.

The Count of Monte Cristo
Boring.
Watch the movie adaptation instead.

The Left Hand of Darkness
Confusing.
Characters with no genders! Why, we can't have that!

The Sirens of Titan
Pretentious.
All those allusions to classical mythology are pointless.

Fourth, these book club people—they eat a lot. My goodness, you should see how much these people eat. It's as if they're not fed enough at home. It's embarrassing to be seen with them in a restaurant, really.

And I blame them for my having gained a lot of pounds ever since I joined in 2008. How can I not? These people have no fear of calories.

During the food trip at Chinatown
And they forced me to wear read because it's the Chinese New Year
Cliché.

At the early morning Mercato Centrale food trip
After this, there was even a wine tasting thing in the afternoon.
Lord, help me.

At the Pampanga food trip
These people aren't even satisfied to just eat here in the city.
I had to endure a two-hour drive to Pampanga with these gluttons.

Persian dinner at a member's house
So you get invited to dinner and eagerly anticipate the steak and potatoes.
But hell no. What you'll have instead are elaborate home-cooked dishes.

Fifth, they're the ugliest bunch of people that you'll ever meet in your whole life. Well, I guess that's a good thing in a way, as being with them makes you feel such a paragon of pulchritude. Seriously, I would give each of them a free makeover. But I guess they're not just ugly; they're clueless too.

It's a good thing that meet-ups are held where there aren't that too many people. If one of my friends sees me with any one from the book club, then let the ground swallow me up whole. Thank goodness that meet-ups are just once a month.

With ugly people from the book club (except for R)
These are probably the ugliest of the bunch.

With an ugly person up-close
Dimples are so overrated.

Sixth, they'll give you totally useless stuff. If they really understand you, they'd just give you money, right? But no, they'll give you things that'll just clutter your room. Absolutely no effing value whatsoever.

Like this caricature made by Ajie
Don't you think that she's making fun of my book hoarding sensibilities?
And I think she's mocking me. I don't have this kind of upper arm strength.

And I got this from Marie last Christmas.
She told me that she spent hours doing this scarf.
I just don't buy it.

Seventh, they make you do stupid things. Over and over again. Take a look.

They're just not as passionate talking about books as I am.

They hold this totally useless gift wrapping workshop.
And when I made this perfectly wrapped box, they made fun of it.

They force you to come out of the closet.

They make you do these stupid over-the-top beach jump shots.

Jump shots that can literally injure you
Really, all that blood!

They molest you.

They organize these outreach programs with street children,
when all you really want to do is just stay in bed and read.

They make you attend prom all over again.

For some reason, a lot of them are into Doctor Who.
And this "doctor" has this screwdriver.
Whatever.

They constantly ask me, "Who's Gatsby?"

They make you drink wine.

Seriously, you're better off being on your own. Whoever said that being in a book club enriches your reading experience is crazy.